Story time ...

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Now for a fun little story about your dear Mongrel ...

When I was 19-20 years old, I worked at an apartment complex.  I was one of the sales people and also worked customer service.

Well, one Saturday while working the office alone -- I got a phone call from a tenet complaining about a spider in her apartment.  This wasn't uncommon, the complex was near a small forest with a creek and the first floor apartments would often get spiders that crawled through open windows and such.

I rolled my eyes while on the phone with her and told her I would come right over to take care of it.  Personally, I don't have a fear of spiders, they just really gross me out.  However, I wasn't going to judge her -- perhaps she had a phobia of them and was living alone.  So I grabbed a fly swatter and walked over to her apartment.

When I opened the door, she looked at me, then the swatter and said, "You should have brought a bat instead."

Needless to say, the hair on the back of my neck stood up at her statement.

She then led me to the laundry room -- she didn't need to point out the spider like she did, because it stood out in stark contrast against the white-primered walls.  

Ladies and gentlemen, I found myself staring down a 6in. fishing spider ...



We didn't need a fly swatter or a bat ... we needed an exorcist.

Without a doubt, if this same spider was in my own apartment, I know I would have returned home to find my 12lb. cat within it's grasp.  It was easily larger than my hand and judging by it's broad "bring it" stance ... not in a good mood.

My first instinct was to go running from the room like a flailing idiot and call the SWAT team to come and take care of it with a flamethrower.  But alas, the tenet had a small child, and I feared the babe would be the spider's next victim -- carrying the child off to the woods and devouring it.

So, the tenet gave me a garbage bag and a Tupperware bowl and wished me the best of luck as she pushed me in the room and shut the door behind me.  After I was able to collect myself enough to stop trying to claw, bite and dig my way out of the room, I then took a few slow breaths and decided I would make an attempt at catching the spider in the bag and use the bowl to "persuade" it into entering the black-plastic prison on its own.  I originally thought I might smack the spider with the bowl in hopes of killing it -- but it was so large, I think my attempts would only serve to piss it off more.

I got within a foot of the monster before it lifted it's first few legs at me and hissed.  I don't really remember what happened next, but the tenet told me I came charging from the room screaming, "It's on me!  GOOD GOD, IT'S ON ME! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

The spider of course wasn't on me, it was a fishing spider, not a freak like those jumping spiders.  Oh no ... it fishes, not jumps.

Once I regained my sanity and was sure I hadn't soiled myself, I went back into the room, this time with the tenet's words of support who promised to watch my back -- when in actuality, I think she was trying to keep me from running free from her apartment and never returning.

After temporarily growing a pair of balls, I managed to build enough courage to "usher" the spider into the plastic bag -- before he disappeared into the black void, I am almost certain he flipped me off in a way only spiders can.

As soon as I heard his heavy form "thunk" against the bottom of the bag, I hog-tied the sack so fast, my rodeo friends in high school would have whooped in pride at my skills.

I wasn't given a chance to recover as the tenet then grabbed my collar and unceremoniously threw me with the spider in tote out her front door without so much as a "thank you" or an offer to pay for the psychiatric treatment I would no doubt need to recover from the event.

As I carried the creature to the dumpster, I could hear and feel the sucker pawing frantically at the bag's walls -- I was starting to fear the creature would actually be able to tear free from his prison if given enough time and crawl directly into my nightmares.

I felt guilty throwing the spider in the dumpster ... he was so large, he was probably over two years old -- older than the tenet's own child.  And he deserved to live a life as much as the next creature.  But I would NOT be able to bring myself to touch that bag again without running across state lines.  And given this event took place one block from the border between Kansas and Missouri -- it was a likely possibility.

The following Monday, the office got another call from the same tenet.  My boss answered and I hoped I might get a little praise for going "above and beyond" the call of duty.  Instead, I heard my boss question the tenet in confusion, "What do you mean it's back?"

We sent the maintenance man to take care of the spider this time.

He quit the next day.

... True story.


skin by LeMex
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